ice-cream with irani chai

Once in a blue moon I watch Telugu movies. Not a huge fan, quite honestly, for various reasons. However, a few days back got to watch a recent film, which essentially sucked. It was a completely black movie for me. Black as coal. But, this isn't a movie review. There was a gem that shone through all that coal for me - a rare sparkle of a dialogue, a thought uttered by the hero, that perhaps is pure truth.

"Where there's fear, there can't be love, and where there's love, there's no fear!" 

It stuck with me and has been on my mind for the past few days. It's quite true. Fear perhaps is a driving force for most choices in our lives - What if I don't show up for work? What if I don't continue in this career? What if I drop out of school or college? What if I go out with him or her or none, or perhaps end this relationship? What if I do not to give in? What if I take a stand? What if I take up this book, watch that show, pursue up this hobby, travel there, do this, do that, etc...

Most of us have fear, because that fear is essentially being afraid of change. We are afraid of disturbing the status quo and of the unstability and insecurity it brings with it!

'Great' occurs when that fear is overcome. Love for something or someone - love that becomes an intense passion, perhaps drives fear away. Love can have that inspirational effect. Or even impulsive. We almost become oblivious to the after-effects of our actions and choices. Consequences, and the thought of "what if it goes wrong?", don't really matter. We are ready to embrace whatever comes our way.

And then there is another fear. The Absolute Fear of Love itself. The fear of loving something or someone with a passion! What drives that away, I wonder!  

This friendship day there were lots of wishes and messages circulating about on the social network sites, chats, emails and the numerous other ways we communicate in the online world.

It got me wondering how many of the hundred-odd people that I actually listed among my contacts and "friends" all over the net of the world wide web were actually my good friends (even if at a certain point in time) and how many would consider me a 'good' friend of theirs even today!

The concept of friend/friendship, although means different things for different people, is by & large the only no-rules relationship perhaps where there is maximum freedom of speech & action! No matter what's said or done, friends are supposed to chill around, listen, understand, just be there. Occassionally help, may be. Or may not even have to do anything at all!

It is quite interesting that most friends that we make during our childhood - in school and college (where perhaps the concept of "give and take" and "what do i get out of this relationship" don't apply) are the ones to stay with us for a lifetime - even if decades go by without any contact, and even if the meeting is after they become old & grey!
 
So, while I was staring at my lists to pick out my "friends" in the real sense of the word, to actually send a personalised note instead of posting a vague free-for-all status message on chat or social network sites, I was suprised I was even hunting out "friends" in the first place!

Actually, it took me back to small incident quite some time ago that actually made me think about how friendship can mean different levels of relationship to different people, and how often we take it for granted!

A long time ago at the beginning of my writing career, I had the chance to meet with a guy in a PR agency. He coordinated on a few news stories that I had reported. We used to joke around quite a bit, and working with him was fun - like it was with the others at the agency. We regularly met over work for about an year or so.

But, once I got married I had left my job and relocated to a different city. I used to travel back and forth between the two cities. During one such trip by train, I met this guy again after a year or so. He was visiting the city where I stayed. He met my husband who was travelling with me. We shared a few laughs, a few stories, gossipped about the rest of the gang at the agency. He asked about the hotels here and asked if there was a good budget hotel he could put up at, the distances to the offices he was supposed to go to etc. Since the train was landing early morning, my husband asked him to come over to our house first so he could freshen up and have breakfast and then carry on with business. I was suprised at my husband's offer, but being what my hubby is, a very 'friendly' guy, I just didn't give it much thought. After he left from my house we couldn't and didn't keep in touch.

A few years later, I relocated back, and was working with another company and there was girl in the office who sat in the cubicle next to mine. We hardly used to talk since she used to be mostly out in the field. One day, we were both at the cafetaria and started chatting. She asked me about my previous work experience and then discovering that as a journo I knew people in PR agencies, she asked me if I knew "this" guy in "this" agency (the same one that I mentioned above). I said well, I did. Not too well as a person, but as an "aquaintance", and that he was a nice guy I worked with on a few news stories. We both then left it at that.

A few months later, she invited me to her wedding. She had been seeing a guy for some time, but nobody in the office knew who. On seeing the wedding card, I discovered she was getting married to the same guy at the agency she had earlier asked me about!

I was suprised - Small World, I exclaimed! I asked her why she didn't tell me about him at that time! She said he didn't want her to, because he was mad at me. I was taken aback. What had I done to deserve that! She said, he was mad when she told him that I'd called him an "acquaintance." He was pissed off that I didn't call him a friend - despite even inviting him home a few years ago! Googly! I felt bad that he was hurt. But, I was surprised too.

Really? Mad at me for what? Forgive me for not calling him a friend, but, hello, I had no idea about him beyond his professional life! It wasn't like we used to meet outside of work. I liked him - he was a nice guy as far as I knew him at work! But that was that. He didn't know much about my life and vice versa! I wasn't really "friends" with him! 

I didn't go for the wedding, obviously. I was feeling quite guilty and even otherwise I would have felt quite unwelcome there!

Being in the writing profession I meet lots of people, and usually am very friendly with most colleagues and contacts. I take work seriously, but I like to create and be part of an ambience where there are lots of jokes and laughs shared around even while working. Yet, I am quite shy when it comes to my personal life. A total introvert and don't let many people into my world. I don't really socialise. I hardly visit my friends. There are very few people who know me quite well - these are the real friends that are quite dear to me. I am very selective as to who I call my friends. 

Anyway, after that wake-up call, I became more reserved, and less of the 'lol-kinds around' at workplaces. Since then, whenever people ask me if I know any 'certain someone', I choose my words (like my relationships) wisely and carefully!

cynical a tongue lashes out
burning all in its way;
violent limbs beat around
in a lifeless display;

a spirit wasted,
the body worthless; 
left cold, numb to pain,
senseless beyond repair;

angry foul is the heart 
embittered soul in despair;
when another year goes by
mocking at life meaningless.

"...aisi udaasi bhaiti hai dil pe, hansnese ghabrarahe hain..." - Wonder if this beautiful piece of lyric ("Dil to Bacha Hai Ji" song) can be truly translated into English, in words that reflect it's true essence.

But, the point is not about translation or the global language's lack of ability to translate. It's rather about the heights of the sheer emotion it quintessentially captures.

I heard the song many a times, being a great fan of Rahatji. However, this soulful line struck a cord especially in the last few days, when I was feeling pretty low. I hadn't smiled or laughed heartily in days! I realised how the sense of calm or peace was conspicuously absent in my life! I wasn't myself. Life had become so zombie-like. There was nothing to achieve, no hope to, atleast! 

I was waiting for miracles to happen. The waiting has been for so long, the emotions behind it were gone. The enthusiasm lost. It felt like a scene from Waiting for Godot! I was beginning to question the purpose of my waiting, when faith itself was fading, almost lost. Yet, somehow the flicker of hope didn't dim out completely. At it's fag end, it didn't die yet. A complete surrender would help, I was told. The only option I had left it seemed...      

Of restlessness, a strange emptiness in the soul... Thought a trip back home would lessen it. Though meant to be a vacation, huge family gatherings ensured there was no relaxing at all. Meeting more and more relatives only increased the huge void in the heart. The huge anxiety from being the odd ones there, here, everywhere we went, only futher sank the heart!

As the auspicious day of Somavaram in the month of Chaitra heralds the brand new year of Khara; a literally lively potion of Yugaadi Pachadi with its Neem Flowers, Jaggery, Chilli, Salt, Tamarind and Raw Mango - all synthesising bitter sadness, sweet happinees, spicy anger, salty fear, sour disgust and tangy suprise - reminds us how we need to accept different experiences in the dance of life with equanimity through the year; and divine servings of special Bhaksyalu prompts us to 'take sweet, talk sweetly and be sweeter'... here's wishing one & all very happy and prosperous beginnings...

Khara Naama Samastsara Yugaadi Subhakankshalu!

one short of a decade
i now see
a bountiful life ahead
o' u and me;
heartiest wishes
my darling, my dear
f' a lovely
happy anniversary...  

People don't know how to love. They bite rather than kiss. They slap rather than stroke. Maybe it's because they recognize how easy it is for love to go bad, to become suddenly impossible... unworkable, an exercise of futility. So they avoid it and seek solace in angst, and fear, and aggression, which are always there and readily available. Or maybe sometimes... they just don't have all the facts... says Lavender in "The Upside of Anger (2005)".

Couldn't agree more. Especially the bit about seeking solace in angst and fear and aggression. But, I digress.

Anger & Resentment. They held it against me. Like I had no right to be. Even if I had ample reason. And that only drove me more mad. At them. I was angry with the hurt, the deceipt, the lies and the constant betrayal, the breaking of simple trust and faith. Time and again. Yet, even though I was the one they hurt, it was them that sulked and acted victimised - and that made me even more angry! 

Lavender says the only upside to anger is the person you become. Nothing much has changed. The people, the situations - nothing. Yes, I have changed, a bit. But, I still am angry. Yet, I just don't care anymore. About anything. Considering how things have turned out, and where things stand now, what I have now become, it all hardly matters. Nothing does...  

on the other side
of a dark sinkhole  
contemplating a loss
blind confusing's the ditch; 
a mirage your words 
going round in my head 
left am seething angry,
cracked in the searing desert;
denied trust, yet accused
of getting all, can't fathom, 
how happy can you be
in falsehood, heart-break.

...Pausing for a moment, "What for?" asked myself. And then it dawned on... In an instant. A sort of a 'realization.'  

Yes, there was no incentive per se. No clearly defined purpose. Nothing to go by. To live.

But, then, no harsh rules were laid down. None bribing. Neither a command, nor a request. Just a message. A subtle one. A choice rather - "Take care of 'them'. Be there for 'them'."